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Stephen Colbert Thinks You’re Right to Be Jaded
Stephen Colbert made light of the college admissions bribery scandal that dominated headlines on Tuesday. Fifty people were charged in a scheme to buy high school students admission to Yale, Stanford and other elite schools; they included celebrities and prominent business leaders.
Colbert said that if the scandal made you feel jaded, well, it probably should.
“You know how the conspiracy theorists say, ‘Everything is rigged for the wealthy and famous’? Well, as a wealthy and famous person, let me just respond by saying: You’re absolutely right.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“The F.B.I. was tipped off by the essay question on this year’s Common Application: ‘Reflect on an accomplishment that sparked personal growth and/or list your parents’ credit card number. What prompted your choice? What is the three-digit security code?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Trump’s ‘Greatest Enemy’
President Trump has asked Congress to pass a historically large budget, but Jimmy Fallon doesn’t think it has a shot.
“This week the White House released its budget proposal for 2020, and it calls for a record $4.75 trillion. So between the budget and ‘The Bachelor,’ that’s two proposals that definitely aren’t happening.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Trump wants to cut the Education Department’s budget. It’s all part of Trump’s plan to defeat his greatest enemy: spelling.” — JIMMY FALLON
What Mitt Romney and Twinkies Have in Common
A video went viral showing Mitt Romney, who turned 72 on Tuesday, blowing out the candles on his birthday cake, which was made entirely of Twinkies. Instead of blowing out all the candles in a single breath, he lifted up each individual Twinkie and blew them out one by one. (You won’t know how odd it looks until you see it.)
In the video, his staff members seem to awkwardly titter as Romney blows out the first few candles, then an encompassing silence sets in. Trevor Noah had an easy time making fun of it.
“When the laughter died down in that clip, that’s when everyone realized they were standing next to a serial killer. Because, I’m sorry, blowing out candles one by one, I think we can all agree, is extremely weird.” — TREVOR NOAH
“I do get why Mitt Romney likes Twinkies. They’re exactly like him: white on the outside, but somehow even whiter on the inside.” — TREVOR NOAH
The Punchiest Punchlines (Pennsylvania Edition)
“A park in Pennsylvania is closing one of its roads on rainy nights for the next month so that amphibians like frogs and salamanders can mate without threat from passing cars. Said one frog: ‘Aw, but that’s what made it exciting.’” — SETH MEYERS
“New audio has surfaced of Fox News host Tucker Carlson making racist and homophobic remarks during radio interviews between 2006 and 2011 — not to mention on television, weeknights at 8 p.m.” — SETH MEYERS
“Chef Boyardee has recalled almost 3,000 pounds of microwaveable chicken and rice because they contain beef ravioli. Even more disturbing, the Chef Boyardee spokesman kept using air-quotes when he said the word ‘beef.’” — JIMMY FALLON
The Bits Worth Watching
Fallon played “musical beers” with the Chainsmokers.
Here’s Seth Meyers asking Trump the questions he wants answered — and receiving just the responses he wants, too.
What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night
Ricky Gervais, who has a new comedy show on Netflix called “After Life,” will speak with Meyers on Wednesday.